Anger, Sadness, and Pain are the Ticket to a Fulfilled Life
About 12 years ago at the end of a yoga class my teacher Lakshmi Norwood casually mentioned that anger, sadness, and pain are not “bad” and they had value. My brow scrunched up in confusion and inside I felt a strong disagreement. “But wait” I wanted to say “I thought the whole goal of life was to be happy and aren’t all of those things signs that you are not happy?!” Instead I kept quiet and wondered what she could possibly mean by saying such a thing.
As a result of this offhand comment and continuing to study with Lakshmi, I started to become more aware of how I treated sadness, frustration, anger, irritability and all the other myriad ways discomfort can manifest. I found that whenever these types of feelings came up I had a tendency towards reactivity, trying to avoid them, cover them up, dismiss them or flat out deny them. By treating my emotions this way I was succeeding in making life much harder then it had to be. In addition, I was treating myself and those closest to me like punching bags for my unexpressed emotions (can you relate?).
At some point I unconsciously decided to value only emotions that “feel good”. I don’t think that this value system is unusual for the Western culture I grew up in. We commonly call any emotion that is remotely uncomfortable a “negative emotion”. For a long time it seemed like the only and ultimate goal of life was to find happiness. Happily ever after was the message at the end of the fairy tale. Countless books are dedicated towards the pursuit of happiness. Even the lure of yoga and meditation is the joy or the promise of some kind of spiritual salvation we can experience as a result. In all honesty this is exactly why I started practicing yoga. That first glimpse of bliss while practicing and visions of myself being lean and limber had me hooked. I was drawn to Lakshmi initially by the way she held herself and her cut biceps and shoulder muscles. Admittedly I would stare at her and wonder how I could get arms like hers. The last thing on my radar was honoring my emotions, and happiness truly felt like some kind of end goal.
While I think it is completely natural to want to remedy pain whether it is physical or emotional, I’ve come to see that part of the remedy or relief we seek lies in doing what Lakshmi mentioned; valuing the entire spectrum of our emotional experience. Instead of brushing off insecurity, loneliness, jealousy or embarrassment, what would happen if I took deep breaths and let myself feel the movements in my chest and that sick feeling in my belly or the sweat in my armpits and palms. Maybe the currents would lead to tears or a cry aloud or a strong urge to punch or kick something. It turns out that it is extremely difficult to feel uncomfortable when there is little to no life training in the department of feeling all the feelings.
Pain is here to teach us. Look at any wisdom tradition and you will find this message. Pain is valuable. Pain or discomfort is embedded in every aspect of living a human life. It’s always there either on the periphery or front and center. Birth, death, change, growth - growth literally hurts. I’m watching my boys (11 & 13) getting their adult molars and it hurts to chew on the ones that are ready to fall out. Anyone who has dabbled in sports or fitness knows that inevitably you will feel sore if you are challenging and building muscles and thereby getting stronger.
But for some reason uncomfortable emotions are treated as unnecessary burdens that can be bullied into a corner of our consciousness. Instead of being the tools of transformation and insight that they are, they become the very thing that traps us in a cycle of dissatisfaction, and ironically, pain. The energy of an emotion will find its way out. This energy is much stronger than our will to suppress it. Instead it will eek out into our interactions. We will lash out in anger (and we will be surprised by its sudden appearance). We will find ourselves blaming others -our spouse, our friends, our family, our boss, even our children - for the way we feel or the situation we find ourselves in. We will find that the way we speak to ourselves is downright nasty. We will find ourselves trying to “help” by offering advice or interrupting instead of listening - really we can’t bear to witness pain in our friends and family so we try to fix it for our own comfort. The very emotions we are trying to avoid will infiltrate the majority of our interactions; jealousy, insecurity, irritation, sadness and anger will surface and the cycle will continue on and on and on. Furthermore our bodies will suffer from suppressing emotions and dis-ease will manifest - anxiety, depression, hormone imbalances, and a multitude of illnesses will result.
It has taken twelve years, marriage therapy, countless conversations, and plenty of fucking up to incorporate the lesson - to honor my emotions - into my daily life. Though I am so far from mastering it I can say in all honesty I am more content, satisfied and fulfilled then ever before as a result of this practice. Don’t get me wrong, feeling uncomfortable is still one of my least favorite things to feel. The biggest change is that I expect that I will be uncomfortable pretty often, and when I am, I explore it with curiosity the best I can.
This holiday season was pretty difficult for my family (I’m positive we are not the only ones to have a less than ideal holiday). Five days before Christmas my husband Ryan was exposed to someone with Covid at work. We chose to have him quarantine in the garage (his “man cave”) so he could at least be close, and we had to cancel our small gathering with my sister and my parents. I’ve had plenty of Christmases without Ryan since his firefighter schedule has never guaranteed that he could be home. But this was the first time I’ve celebrated without my parents and my sisters family for the holiday. As a result I felt sad. I spent a Tuesday morning shuffling around in my housecoat and periodically crying. When Ryan expressed concern I simply said “I know I will be ok. I just have to feel this.” Surely enough the tears eventually stopped and my body felt lighter. On Christmas day 2020 my husband confirmed he had Covid with a positive test at 7am. When my son expressed a sadness over not seeing his Grandparents and having his Dad stuck in the garage and sick, instead of trying to make him feel better, I acknowledged his pain and validated it by saying “I know. It sucks doesn’t it? It totally makes sense to feel sad.” We hugged and I told him that one day he will be telling his grandkids about the Christmas of 2020. We celebrated by having Ryan on FaceTime on an iPad on the couch and delivering his gifts through the doggy door. I royally fucked up Christmas dinner and served extremely rare beef (this is normally Ryan’s domain) to the point that there was blood in the kids mashed potatoes and they were disgusted. All we could do was laugh at this holiday. I honestly believe that in giving myself permission to be sad and be frustrated and let those emotions play out in my body (and giving my boys room to feel and express their feelings) I was able to also see the humor and experience intense gratitude as a result. Gratitude that Ryan was healthy and trusting that he would heal from this scary illness. Gratitude that Ryan was so devoted to keeping us safe. Gratitude that my boys were resilient and flexible and able to admit that this wasn’t the best Christmas but still laugh. A few weeks later my son who was sad on Christmas morning about the situation reflected that Christmas 2020 was so crazy and funny.
The entire reason why I’m even writing about this is because of my sons. If I can impart any lesson to them in this life it’s that their emotions are there to be felt. Anger happens for a reason. Sadness happens for a reason. It’s natural to feel embarrassed or jealous or lonely or scared. It is up to each of us to learn to navigate through our ever changing emotions and honor them as guests in our body and mind. Some emotions are designed to feel uncomfortable and lead us into balance. Anger when it’s channelled in a healthy way leads to action: ending the unhealthy relationship, seeking counseling, finding a new job, prioritizing exercise, speaking up for yourself, setting clear boundaries. Sadness asks us to slow down and feel. When sadness is honored it grounds us in the present details. The trees rustling, the softness of the blanket, the sound of our feet sliding across the floor, the ache in our chest. We are the guardians, the gatekeepers and the alchemists of our own lives. While we can’t control everything that happens to us we do have the agency to feel and to discern our own truth. We are ultimately responsible for taking care of our body and our emotions. Emotions are the doorway into what is under the surface of our consciousness. Emotions don’t lie. Thoughts on the other hand. That’s a whole other blogpost.
In the name of honesty and transparency I must share with you that in no way am I claiming I have everything all figured out. I still struggle with being reactionary (especially if Im tired, or hungry, or hormonal) and the inevitable guilt that follows these overreactions. I still have a habit of denying little signals from my body and telling myself “everything is fine”. Honoring my emotions is a continuous practice. As a result of not resisting painful or uncomfortable emotions (as much) I have become more adaptive to the continuous changes that happen throughout the day. Additionally, I now relate to pain in a totally different way. Instead of asking “Why is this happening?!” I ask “What is my body trying to communicate?”. So much energy is freed up as a consequence of not fighting or denying discomfort.
Lakshmi was right. Anger, sadness and pain are valuable.
You are Nature,
With Love, Nicole
Stay tuned for my next article about simple practices that are helpful in learning to incorporate and honor uncomfortable emotions in your daily life.