The Worst Houseguest Of All Time & How I Fell In Love With Her
Last Saturday I had a friend show up uninvited to my home. She waltzed into my chest, threw her suitcase on the couch and screamed “ EVERYTHING IS GOING TO SHIT!!!”. Then she began to manically laugh and unpack. By unpack, I mean she threw her clothes all over the place. She found her highest heels with spiked edges, turned on some blaring nonsense and began to dance around my lungs, and heart.
This is the first time she’s ever actually come over with plans to stay. Usually she will drop into my stomach to tell me that whatever I did or whatever I’m about to do might cause me to be a failure, expose me, or that I might mortally wound myself. Her visits are brief and tolerable. It’s easy to discern that she is only “dropping in” because she is worried about my image or my physical well being.
You can imagine my dismay when this big haired, high heeled, messy lady showed up suddenly. My regular morning routine of coffee and contemplation was impossible with her racket. I tried asking her to quiet down by pursing my lips and exhaling forcefully through my teeth. She just ignored me and continued on with her tirade. I was forced to get up and move around the house. It was too painful being still, those stilettos hurt! “Ya that’s right.” She said, “Move!”. Then she started a combination of clapping, stomping and snapping her fingers. The sensation of her was as unique as a hot snow flurry.
I tried telling her to leave, both politely and then more insistently. I tried asking her what brought her here. I tried appealing to her humanity, saying that she was bad for my health. Unfortunately each inquiry or demand was met with a stubborn refusal to go and further abuse.
She talked over podcasts and my children requests. She would casually mention that I was going to die one day and that no one would know I existed because my life is pointless and I have no true talent. She would laugh and dance with glee when I responded with despair. Sometimes she would take my heart and just squeeze it, then let go, squeeze it and then let go. Movement and music were the only times she would take the heels off, and simply sway side to side.
I would wake up at night wondering if she left. Then she would set off close range fireworks as a joke. “I’m still HERE!!!” She would laugh. “You didn’t want to go back to sleep did you? Now quick, answer my question. What are you going to do with your life?! Trick question! It’s too late! Dance party time!!”
All of my usual methods of soothing myself were ineffective. Meditation, yoga, reading, writing, a soak in the tub, or sitting in the sun, just lead me to a fist fight with my uninvited guest. I had no choice but to listen to her. Taking myself on walks, vacuuming, tidying, cooking, dancing, then cleaning some more - these were my only slight reprieves from her assaults. My house has never been cleaner. I had to admit, she was inspiring me into action, which for the past months I have been lacking severely. Maybe I had invited her after all?
One afternoon, tired from all the bustling around, I laid down with her. She was performing some sort of gymnastics routine. Backflips at the end of my exhale, and a trampoline act on my inhale. She was tireless and in constant motion. With my recent revelation that I may have invited her, albeit unintentionally, I began to get more and more curious about her. She was indifferent to my praise, approval, and criticism. She was unselfconscious and unafraid. Actually, I was discovering that I admired some of her traits. Even so, I was missing the days when I could just drive my car, or go to the grocery store unhindered by her constant presence in my chest.
After a few days she decided to try a new trick by punctuating the end of every thought I had by riding a Slip N Slide from my throat to my belly. For instance, I would have the thought “I wonder what I should make for dinner. “Then, right on cue, she would go down the slide and I would feel like I had just found out I was going to teach a private yoga class to Oprah in less than two minutes, and I hadn’t prepared for it. Every. Single. Thought - was met with her slippery free fall. It was exhausting and terrifying. Never, have I ever, felt so much at one time. The only encouraging news was that she would sleep when I would sleep. I so looked forward to the unconscious bliss bestowed upon me in the twilight hours.
Though I deeply disliked her company, and felt desperate for her to leave, I understood that she came to help me, and that her stay was temporary. Nothing overly dramatic preceded her arrival that Saturday morning. It’s possible that the cumulative effects of a pandemic that has changed my way of life as I know it could have something to do with her presence. It’s also possible that the monumental civil rights movement unfolding around and inside of me that is asking me to look honestly and deeply at my own conscious and unconscious actions is connected to her presence. Or maybe it has something to do with the fact that I am questioning my career choice and looking at where I want to go now (and no obvious answers are presenting themselves). What I could see clearly though, was that she wasn’t interested in my intellectual understanding of her. She spoke in the language of feeling, and the only way I could communicate with her was by feeling everything she said. More thoughts regarding my current situation were not the answer.
My chest felt frayed and battered and I was having a difficult time with pretty much everything and anything. My dog barking at the neighbors fence line felt like a crisis. My husband walking into the room and saying “boo” sent me into a tizzy (and I saw him walking in). I had to feign a casual tone when talking with my friends & neighbors, pretending that I didn’t feel panic bursting inside of me. Nothing about her presence felt easy, or fun, or welcome. On one of my daily walks the word “tapping” came into my consciousness. I had heard about this technique years ago and made a note to google it when I got home.
Laying on my bed I googled “tapping” and came across this website on tapping . I followed the video’s instructions and began to tap the energy centers and recite each fear/worry followed by “and I love and accept myself”. I was surprised with the amount of fears that came tumbling out.
“I am terrified this feeling in my chest will never go away. And I accept and love myself.”
“I don’t know what to do next and it scares me. And I love and accept myself.”
“I’m afraid the kids will not go back to school. And I love and accept myself.”
On and on my worries presented themselves. Tears started to fall, running, down the sides of my cheeks and past my ears. I did this for so long my arms started to get tired. Finally I noticed there was more of a reprieve at the end of my exhale. “Yes” she whispered. She began to soften her grip on my heart.
I could sense that she felt I had finally gotten her message, or at least part of it. She was telling me that I was avoiding my fears. She was showing me (via slipping and sliding) that each and every thought I have, has an effect on my body. While I can’t control every thought that comes in, I do have the choice in which thoughts I want to believe or engage in. Maybe the thought “what should I do next in my career?” can have the same weight as “what should I make for dinner?”. She showed me how even though I feel incredibly grateful for my life and the people in it, I do have legitimate stresses. Finally, she was pointing out that I had become trapped in apathy and that I needed to get off of my booty and move.
She didn’t depart immediately. She took off her heels and padded around my rib cage, cleaning up her mess. Every now and then she’d clap or snap her fingers, just to remind me that she could and would come back if she needed to. I reveled in the ability to breathe fully again. I vowed to honor and appreciate the freedom of a quiet chest. I thanked her again and again for the lessons she taught me and for leaving me so I could enjoy this newfound appreciation for peace.
You have probably already guessed the name of my uninvited friend. Either you have guessed her name or her actions may sound familiar to you. Most commonly she goes by the name Anxiety. However, she has many facets and talents and feels proud to go by many other names, such as - Panic, Nervousness, Angst, Apprehension, Unease, Uncertainty, Suffering, Dread, Fear, Worry, Distress, and Stress. Ultimately, her purpose in life is to teach and help heal. Ignoring, suppressing or fighting her will only incite her to get louder, stronger and more insistent, which we all know can have detrimental effects on our mental and physical health. I chose to relate to her as a guest to help cultivate a sense of curiosity toward her. I learned that she is not necessarily a problem to be “solved” but instead an energy that needed to be felt and expressed. Anxiety’s big haired, high heeled presence didn’t mean that I am inherently flawed, weak, or ill equipped to deal with life. She showed me with all of her flare another aspect of being human, and I love her for it.
You are Nature.
Love Always and Forever,
Nicole