Spilling My Guts About Social Media - Part One

In lieu of my guilty pleasure of reading celebrity gossip magazines I now turn to entertainment provided by my close friends, acquaintances, “friends” that I am friends with because they know people I know but I have never met and of course family. I get to witness new babies, engagements, family trips, insights to political and environmental views, actual fake news posts (which I have admittedly used in conversation only the be exposed by my unreliable news source), general complaints, cute memes (I still am not sure how to pronounce this word properly), videos, and world travels. 

While social media can provide hours of entertainment it has also created some very personal challenges for me. In my days of reading US magazine when I felt comparison surface in my mind I could easily brush it off because these are celebrities and they have ridiculous amounts of money to hire trainers, and nanny’s and go on exotic vacations. With social media on the other hand, here I was looking at my peers and when comparison came up for me it lead to feelings of envy, jealousy, and insecurity. I used to feel embarrassed and ashamed that Facebook  and Instagram could impact me so personally and powerfully. Now however, I see that I had a lot to learn (and still do) from these feelings and though they have been incredibly uncomfortable they have contributed to my growth. 

I have this vivid memory of a time when my boys were smaller from the ages of 0 until 6 when social media would primarily bring about a feeling of envy and jealousy. I would see all of these photos of people on their trips to Europe, friends in stunning yoga postures, beautiful kitchen remodels and nights out on the town. Meanwhile I was sitting in my baggy Victoria Secret sweatpants, with fuzzy socks and disheveled hair while my boys ran around spilling milk on the carpet and needing constant supervision. I would mutter a sarcastic “isn’t that nice for you” with a bit of a fuck you undertone and then like their post. There was a part of me that knew that I should just be happy for them and felt guilty for my disingenuous feelings hence the “hate like” or “guilt like” or “I’m supposed to like this, so I’m going to like this” response. 

Looking back, I have compassion for my younger self (in fact I want to go back and hug her and tell her that she has such a beautiful life and everything is so temporary). It was hard having two little boys only sixteen months apart. The early years are so sweet but also extremely emotionally and physically demanding accompanied by a lot of interrupted sleep. My life was not turning out the way I had fantasized it would. Instead of being a psychologist as I had always planned to be, I was a stay at home Mom who taught a couple of yoga classes a week. Money was tight after buying our first home and having two babies. Marriage turned out to also be hard work and how was it that all of these couples on Facebook were so happy and loving and affectionate all of the time?! I had no awareness yet that social media is not showing the complete picture. People (including myself) were sharing their “highlight reels”; the promotions, the vacations, the weddings, the put together outfits, the new babies… there were smiles everywhere I looked and I couldn’t help but feel that I was doing something wrong with my life. 

One day in a yoga class my teacher Lakshmi Norwood said something along the lines of — If you find yourself coveting your neighbors hamstrings you have to take everything else along with them…all their problems, their In-laws, debt etc. This struck a cord with me as I had literally found myself doing that with one of my friends on Facebook. I would see photos of her in hanumanasana (front splits) and stunning backbends and feel the niggling discomfort only jealousy can bring. As our friendship grew and I got to know her better, I learned that she had a beautiful life full of love, success, and gorgeous mobility but also hardships and heartbreak too. With a more holistic understanding of her life my jealousy was replaced with nothing but happiness and respect for my friend. I wanted her to have and enjoy all the success possible! I saw that it made no sense to compare myself to her or anyone else as we are all on our own paths and whatever success has come has been earned by them and only them.

Studying Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras in depth with my teacher (again thank you Lakshmi) offered powerful insights that shifted my perspective around jealousy and insecurity as well. Sutra 1.33. suggests that to retain an undisturbed mind one should cultivate attitudes of friendliness toward the happy, compassion for the unhappy (do we need to alienate, judge and criticize someone who is having a rough go?), delight in the virtuous (celebrating traits like patience, creativity, commitment, honesty), and equanimity towards the non virtuous (I am still not entirely sure how to do this..maybe just unfollow them?). Applying these simple guidelines changed my relationship with social media even further. What a simple concept to just be friendly towards people who are happy! I was able to see more clearly that when I didn’t feel friendly towards someone’s success it was because I was feeling confronted with my own feelings of failure or insecurity. When I gave myself permission to just admit that this is what is going on for me - I’m jealous - it felt freeing. I didn’t have to pretend to myself that I was happy, instead I watched curiously how jealousy felt in my stomach, my chest and my throat. This jealousy was an energy in my body and mind and is simply another thing I experience because I am human. The magical thing about jealousy is that once you recognize it and give it attention and some compassion, it will simply dissipate (I’ve found this is true for all of my emotions both pleasant and unpleasant). 

I’ve had social media in my life now for twelve years and as I am settling into and recognizing how beautiful my own life is, I find that I can genuinely feel happy for the people in my newsfeed. I finally understand that comparison really is lethal to my personal happiness and self esteem. I still get the occasional sting of “why wasn’t I invited?” or “am I doing enough?” but for the most part I feel content seeing whatever I see. 

Naturally, as I overcome one challenge another one presents itself. I’ll share my more recent challenges soon in Part Deux (two, for those that don’t speak French) of spilling my guts about Social Media.

You are Nature.

Love Always and Forever, 

Nicole