The Big Lie That Makes Us Miserable

I’ve often wondered why we have this tendency to forget what a privilege and joy it is to be alive. How is it that we can live in homes with clean running water, temperature control, food that is readily available, and comforts up the wazoo; and not be in constant marvel or at least constant appreciation of it all?

Recently I watched a lecture on happiness by Dr. Fred Ludwig of Stanford University. While listening to his lecture I had multiple “ah ha” moments. Puzzle pieces fell into place. I laughed and I cried. Honestly, I am going to live differently because of what I learned. While some of what he shared was new to me, the majority of his lecture pointed to a practical wisdom. Naturally, I found parallels between what he shared and yogic philosophy (my favorite). The vast majority of what I’m sharing here came from his incredible lecture. 

There is a insidious lie in embedded within our western culture’s values that contributes to wiring our brains in such a way that in our normal/stable state we often miss the beauty, privilege and sacredness available in our human experience. The consequence of this misunderstanding is unnecessary suffering. For example, the dread of having to cook a meal, waking up overwhelmed with a list of tasks, being exasperated over small inconveniences, or rushing from place to place. On the surface these may seem inconsequential, but all of these behaviors add up to a pattern of complaining, dissatisfaction, and a nameless malaise that just follows us around. For survival reasons we are predisposed to a negativity bias, therefore we are very good at noticing what is “wrong” (It’s helpful to our survival to be able to identify and therefore avoid danger). If we want to move beyond survival to a place of thriving, the key is in shifting what our normal/stable state is from a place of lack to one of generosity. To create this shift within we must understand the motivation that drives our needs.

Most of us are somewhat familiar with Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. There are five levels in Maslow’s pyramid. From the bottom of the hierarchy upwards, the needs are: 

physiological 

safety 

love and belonging 

esteem 

self-actualization 

However, there is a portion of Maslow’s work that is less known by the general population. Maslow hypothesized that there are two types of needs pathways; deficit needs and metaneeds. Deficit needs provide the stability of safety and security, and metaneeds provide a pathway to happiness and fulfillment. Maslow believed that a distinction must be made between the motives of those who operate at or below the level of self-actualization (ones still striving for their basic needs, or ones who have met their basic needs but still live without purpose), and those who are self-actualized who live with significant purpose, as their motivations differ significantly.

The motivation behind a deficit need is in acquiring something because you don’t have it yet. I eat because I’m hungry. I must work to make money or I won’t have any money. I’m climbing a mountain so I can take a picture and show everyone that I climbed a mountain. These deficiency motivations arise when a deficit (mental or physical) is perceived, thus leading us into actions to alleviate tension and restore equilibrium.

The motivation behind metaneeds is being needed. Our metaneeds come into play mostly after the lower physiological and safety needs have been met. Maslow believed that metaneeds propelled us beyond self actualization and drives us to fulfill our inherent ultimate potential. Some examples of metaneeds that Dr. Fred Ludskin lists are: I need to be the kind of person that other people get comfort from. I need to be stable so others can depend on me. I need to create relationships in this world so I can give. I learn and study so I can be in awe of this world that we inhabit and share this awe. We feel good because we have simply helped. Metaneeds are beneficent and generous, they don’t arise out of deficit. Happiness emerges when we touch a metaneed.

Now for the big misconception that is creating unnecessary suffering. According to Dr. Ludskin, “Our world has conflated that surviving is an ultimate value rather than a necessary step for the actual deeper truths to emerge…We are taught that those safety needs will somehow make you happier, that they are a epiphenomenon for happiness.”  As a result, most of us prioritize our economic lives over our interpersonal lives. We end up sacrificing relationships for material rewards.

Ludskin went on to share that in an 80 year longitudinal study at Harvard it was discovered that material success was not aligned with happiness. The element that was most aligned with happiness was with relationships; the ability to give and receive love. Relationships and love appear to be the underpinnings to what a happy and successful life actually is. The motivation to be needed behind metaneeds are essential in creating meaningful and loving relationships. Being safe, with money in the bank is absolutely necessary. A "precondition for happiness”. I don’t think any of us question that notion as it’s hardwired into our culture. But the metaneeds in Maslows’s work are vital for thriving in our short time on this earth. 

Relationships that are fostered by respect and love activate our inner purpose. Of course, its obvious right? This is why many of us want and enjoy a romantic partner, families, and friendships. The relationship category includes the relationship we have with ourselves. 

Yoga practice is about cultivating a relationship to our true selves - self realization. The teachings offer guidance on how to clear the mind and body so we can experience the unconditional love within. The true self is unbound and infinite. When looking at metaneeds we can see they come from a generous and abundant place. Could this “place” be related to who we truly are? I would conclude that; Yes. Yes it does.

85% of our neuronal connections are designed for stability, and 15% of neuronal connections are designed for newness. Apparently the human tendency to take for granted what we have is largely due to the fact that our brains are designed to normalize and stabilize our environment. By creating a homeostatic experience we can do what we need to do for safety and survival. If we subscribe to the cultures message that we must prioritize economic health over relationship to ourselves and others, then our “normal” or baseline will consist of coming from a place of deficit - there will never be enough. This is the motivation that we wire our minds towards - lack. The emphasis on lack arrests our ability to experience the opposite - generosity. Even if we are surrounded by abundance (such as running water, food, and shelter or even great material wealth) we will miss it because our minds will be focused on what we want to acquire next. 

The following paragraph is basically a “how-to”. These are the practices that will ultimately lead to re-wiring ourselves into fulfillment.

***It’s important to note that according to Maslow’s theory, in order to shift from a motivation mindset of lack to one of generosity we must be/feel safe. If our nervous system can’t feel safe we will operate automatically from a deficit motivation. This is because your nervous systems basic omnipresent question is: are you safe?. And if your nervous system can’t answer that you’re safe, then you can’t be happy. So when your belly relaxes and your breathing deepens then your mind can start to entertain positive, loving, beauty based thoughts because your nervous system is in a safe mode. 

Unhappiness, anxiousness, dissatisfaction, a lingering sense of purposelessness, are all signs that we are operating from lack. So how can we shift to a place of generosity? This is where the precious 15% of neuronal connections dedicated to newness, otherwise known as neural plasticity, come in. We use that 15% to focus more on people (including you, the person reading this)than things, money, and acquiring.

Prioritize interpersonal life over economic life.

Put the device down (don’t waste the precious 15% on mindless entertainment) and connect.

Share meals and experiences with loved ones (while you are at it, add some fresh and colorful whole foods in these meals).

Day by day, pay attention to moments where everything about your life is as it should be; you are thankful for what you have rather that focusing on acquiring what you don’t have.

Actually wake up in the morning and think “what can I do to make a better today” as opposed to “I have so much crap to do.”

Avoid complaining. According to Ludwig 70 - 80 percent of our day is spent complaining! If you want to be happy you have to create the pathways to happiness; speak with conviction about what you love.

Be in your body. Movement is medicine. Have some kind of movement based practice in your life (Naturally I’m biased towards Yoga and hiking).

Breathe deeply all the way into your belly throughout the day.

Cultivate a relationship with you inner self that fosters curiosity and self reflection with compassion and love. (Again Yoga is great for this. In fact, practice yoga with me ;)

According to Ludwig, the process of happiness and fulfillment are ongoing. We must always be aware of our rising nature: the need for us to ascend the pyramid over time, for the full flourishing of our humanity. Each of us has a unique and distinct path and gets to learn and use this life to figure out what our particular contribution is. Its not the same for each of us. The handful of people who get to that self actualized place are mostly a-cultural; they step outside of the majority of the people in their culture because they take this risk to march to their own drum. They weren’t rebellious or hostile, they were self directed.

Thank you for reading.

You are Nature,

Love, Nicole

P.S. If you want to watch the lecture yourself, here is the link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERIiCiQyKxY